I was waiting in the airport when some automated feminine voice informed me that the security alert had been raised to orange.
ORANGE! Oh my god. Get the troops. Look out for the Arabs. Guard your back. The security alert is orange. The reds are coming. We're all gonna die. AAAAAHhhhhhhh!!!
Then I wondered what the fuck orange meant.
Does anyone waiting for a flight know what the fuck orange means? Does anyone in this airport know what the fuck orange means? Hello?
The rest of the announcement asked us to watch for any suspicious behavior. Look out for any unattended bags. Listen in on the phone call of the person sitting next to you. Wait. I don't remember that last one but it sounds strangely familiar.
I had bought a used copy of Tori Spelling's So Notorious television series because, in this video of Tori getting a parking ticket, she was so nice. The series was sweet and funnily self-deprecating - worth the time it took to watch it. When I was finished watching it, I brought the two discs in to sell them back to the kind folks at Rasputin Records. They gave me 10¢ (that's ten cents) for the set.
During this past week's episode, The Real Housewives of Atlanta debuted their alter ego photographs. Photographer Derek Blanks takes two photos of one person and creates a photo-montage to illustrate an underlying story or meaning.
Nene shows off both sides of her personality: as a stripper and as a prim and proper woman. Whether she is actually either of these remains to be seen but she sure plays both parts on TV. She seems the most realistic to what might be her true personage. Nene doesn't always start the drama but she certainly takes part in it.
I think Kim gets a bad rap. Yes, she is an idiot. Yes, she is NOT a good parent. Yes, she seems to have no talent or skill. In the end though I don't think she has any self-confidence which is where the bad stuff comes from. I could be wrong but I felt bad when she got all emotional in the studio. A brunette bob suits her role as the Stepford wife scoffing at her husband's mistress.
I like Kandi. She hasn't started any drama and seems to be nice and helpful - certainly with Kim in the recording studio. But she is also an idiot if she thinks her boyfriend is anything but a scrub. (Kandi wrote definition number one.) In her alter ego photo, Kandi decided to play up the drunk driving accident in which her family was recently involved; this is, at once, benevolent and self-serving.
Lisa is a bitch but not the worst on the show. She's also an opportunist (although all of the women on all of the Housewives shows are) and a greedy capitalist. Lisa plays up her bad and good sides in the photo. As a punk fighting a Girl Scout, she's better as the Girl Scout but that just shows what a good actress she is - not what a nice person she is.
What can one say about Sheree? She is the worst. For instance, she DID NOT make it to Lisa's fashion show - if she had, she wouldn't have had to ask to see the clothes at the after party. As directed by Nene, her desire for a 7 figure divorce settlement is at the core of her alter ego. Although her greed is the core of her personality, her sense of self is way overblown, and she does not have the body of a 25 year old - unless the 25 year old is a man with fake tits.
George presented me with this bouquet of flowers from our garden so in the spirit of equality in love actions (whatever that means) here is the story of a bouquet of another sort I made for George.
George came into the kitchen with a 13 gallon trash bag full of old bills, bank statements, school transcripts, and medical records - some dating back even further than the seven years (this month) that we have lived together. We're talking decades.
What should I do with it? he asks.
I am a big proponent of shredding confidential papers. I shred everything AND I check my financial accounts twice weekly. Credit scores, twice a year. Identity theft is an ill from which I am trying to inoculate myself.
Georgie, on the other hand, would throw the bag out for pick up by the garbage man AS IS. The garbage man would then throw the bag on a landfill that is, to my mind, crawling with evildoers waiting to rip the bag open to find George's credit card bills and social security number which they would then sell to a richer, cleaner evildoer for purposes of thieving and identity theft. I couldn't let that horrible scenario happen to Georgie so I took the bag and sent him on his way.
Now generally, I shred my personal papers daily. When an item reaches my desk, I pick it up and decide: keep or throw? If it's throw, rip once, rip twice. Into the trash. No machine because my shredding needs are light and generally spread over time. This method works for me. But what I'm about to do.
I start shredding the papers in George's bag - ripping each envelope or bill, in half. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. Once. Twice. I worked my way through a bit of the bag and realized there was no way I was going to shred each and every one of these old papers. We are talking decades.
I didn't know what to do when I had an epiphany: I would clean out the refrigerator.
I took the bag and put it in a second plastic garbage bag for double security against spillage. I opened the refrigerator, and then a two week old pint of soy yogurt which I emptied into the bag. I emptied a three week old Tupperware of Tofurkey and vegetarian brown gravy leftovers into the bag. I dumped the moldy Costco raspberries into the bag. I dumped a baggy of slimy old mushrooms and a container of overripe watermelon into the bag. Then I poured the morning's coffee grounds AND the remains of the coffee itself into the bag. Finally I emptied Lucy's litter box and its contents into the bag for that certain bouquet. I tied the bag closed and shook it up and down to coat each piece (and I helped), took the bag outside, and threw it into a garbage bin for pickup.
Set a few days in there. Over to the landfill. Evildoers, have at it.
In 1982. I was working at 175 Fifth Avenue, The Flatiron Building in NY. One day as I passed the Pappermint Lounge on my way to the office, I saw a posting on the door that said George Thorogood and the Destoyers' video was to be filmed there Friday at noon. Be in a video for lunch. Friday arrived and I went, dressing specifically for the occasion.
Only kidding.
The live portions of this video were filmed in the Peppermint Lounge. There were a whole bunch of Gen MTVers there on their respective lunch hours. I bought a sandwich and, at certain times during the filming, snuck bites of it until I was finished. It was, after all, lunch time.
Still kidding.
Here is the video for George Thorogood and the Destroyers' bad to the Bone. See me at 2:35 but don't sneeze. Suffice it to say the appearance did not get me a SAG card or I wouldn't be here with you today.
This article in the New York Times illustrates everything that is wrong with corporations and, dare I say, capitalism. The processed food industry has instigated a Smart Choices Program where they label their own products, based on their own criteria, to help shoppers easily identify smarter food and beverage choices. Foods that have passed muster as a smart choice? Froot Loops, Fudgsicles, Real Mayonnaise and Skippy Peanut Butter - chock a block with sugar, sodium and fat.
Eileen T. Kennedy, president of the Smart Choices board, dean of the Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy at Tufts University and, in my opinion, corporate shill, says:
You’re rushing around, you’re trying to think about healthy eating for your kids and you have a choice between a doughnut and a cereal. So Froot Loops is a better choice.
Last time I went down the cereal aisle in a supermarket I had a choice between Froot Loops and Grape Nuts and oatmeal. Doughnuts are on the bread aisle.
Kennedy also said the program was influenced by research into consumer behavior which showed that, while shoppers wanted more information, they did not want to hear negative messages or feel their choices were being dictated to them.
So Kennedy and the Smart Choices board (cough, corporations) have decided that since consumers don't want to hear negative messages about their choices, they will just dictate consumer choices using a positive message - despite the outcome: more empty calories, more obesity, more heath care, more money spent.
The article mentions that Kennedy is not being paid for her work. But she is being paid by Tufts. Aren't they embarrassed to have her on their payroll? I'm a neophyte and I know more than her.
Suffice it to say, if you see the Smart Choice checkmark on a product in the supermarket, RUN DON'T WALK to the fruit and vegetable aisle.
Being one myself, I've always been enamored of Jewish comediennes. But while Sarah Silverman, Roseanne, Sandra Bernhard, Gilda Radner, Bette Midler, Joan Rivers, Belle Barth, and Pearl Williams all make me laugh none have made me laugh longer than the too soon, too gone Totie Fields. Historically, Totie was more than a comedienne. She was arguably the first women to attract a national following as a comic.
I went into a department store and tried on a girdle that was decorated with tiny rosebuds. When I got it on, the roses opened up in full bloom.
In the 60s when her career really began its trajectory, women were still considered eye candy and not expected, or even allowed, to offer up opinions and ideas. Totie broke that glass ceiling by assuming a comic persona built on her weight and, pride in her shape - polar opposites. She might have been a zaftig yenta but rather than espousing self-pity she was confident in her appeal and sweetly brimming with self love. She explained that bringing up the subject of weight herself deprives the wise alecks from mouthing loud asides all night but, she was also teaching women of the era how to act.
Totie on The Ed Sullivan Show in the early 60s
Totie Fields was born Sophie Feldman, daughter of a shopping center owner, on 7 May 1927 in Hartford, Connecticut, USA. She started singing as a child, making appearances on local radio stations by the time she was 4. She toured the Borscht Belt at 14 and before she reached 20 years, worked as a tummler in Boston area strip clubs. Even then Sophie was breaking the glass ceiling: tummlers entertained guests as a master of ceremonies between acts and, at the time, were generally male. It was during this period that Sophie took her stage name - Totie being the way she pronounced her given name as a child.
I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I lost was two weeks.
Totie married George William Johnston, Jr. in 1950. Georgie (as he came to be known) was a fellow comic in Boston who, over time, worked solely with Totie as her musical director. They became the parents of two daughters—Jody was born in 1952 and Debbie was born in 1955. (The Admiral's Inn in Ogunquit, Maine, now a bed and breakfast, was the family's private summer vacation residence in the 1950's and early 1960's.)
It was after her pregnancies that Totie began to gain weight. She tried dieting but nothing worked. The only way to lose weight, really, she concluded, is to have someone put you in a bed where you can't get to the refrigerator. Ever the optimist though, Totie decided to incorporate her size into her act. Her broad accent, self-deflating jokes and extroverted kvetching helped to endear her to audiences whom she treated like friends AND lovers. It was after making this decision that her celebrity and work increased twofold.
Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.
In the early 60s, Ed Sullivan gave Totie her first national break when he booked her on his show after seeing her perform at the Copacabana in New York. She made multiple additional appearances on The Ed Sullivan Show, topping out at almost 20!
Totie released Totie Fields Live on Mainstream Records and wrote I Think I'll Start on Monday: The Official 8 1/2 oz. Mashed Potato Diet published by Hawthorn Books. Ask Me for MP3 files of the Totie Fields Live album.
Totie also made a name for herself on the talk show circuit during the 60s and 70s. There were multiple appearances on The Merv Griffin Show, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and The Mike Douglas Show (on which she famously helped Mike introduce KISS to the American public when she co-hosted the 1974 episode that was their first television appearance.)
The Tarzan reunion show with Mike Douglas, Johnny Weissmuller, Gordon Scott, Jock Mahoney, Buster Crabbe, Denny Miller, and Jim Pierce.
Other notable appearances included Here's Lucy and a well-received dramatic role on Medical Center. Totie played multiple roles in the 1972 television special Fol-de-Rol, a filmed version of Sid and Marty Krofft's live puppet show.
Totie visits with Jerry Lewis on his annual Muscular Dystrophy Telethon
In April 1976, Totie's left leg was amputated above the knee when surgery to remove a blood clot failed. Even with that traumatic experience, Totie fitted herself with an artificial leg and returned to work saying, "I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me." (Link to 1977 article from People Magazine)
Raquel Welch - a moron with less on.
In June 1977, Totie starred in the Home Box Office special series Standing Room Only, beginning her show seated. As the audience (filled to brimming with celebrity friends) welcomed her, she stood up, causing the cheering audience to stand with her. Said Fields: "I've waited all my life to say this... I weigh less than Elizabeth Taylor!" Totie was back and the audience was immediately at ease; if Totie could still laugh at herself, then it was all right to laugh with her.
While still recovering from the amputation, Totie suffered two heart attacks. In October 1977, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and her right breast was removed. Nevertheless, Totie continued to perform and in 1978, the last year of her life, she was voted Entertainer of the Year and Female Comedy Star of the Year by the American Guild of Variety Artists.
Totie was scheduled to appear at the Sahara Hotel when she suffered a fatal pulmonary embolism in her Las Vegas home on August 2, 1978; she was 51. She was buried in Las Vegas and later moved to the Mount Sinai Memorial Park Cemetery in Los Angeles to be buried next to Georgie, who died in 1995.
Totie Fields: Inspirational, Outrageous, and Still Funny.
Totie performing on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967
Additional information:
Some sources speculate that Georgie had refused to release films, tapes, and other recordings of Fields after her death thus, explaining the dearth of material available. Can we then hypothesize that Georgie was crushed by her early death and felt it crass to capitalize on her body of work? They were so much in love - just look at the TattleTales clip - that it's a reasonable assumption.
Burial: Mount Sinai Memorial Park, Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, California, USA - Plot: Gardens of Heritage, Main Level, Crypt 60C
Totie appeared on The Glen Campbell Show playing a night-club bunny, a cheerleader, a minskirted stewardess and a ballerina.
Adorable Me! The Totie Fields Story (1990) A New Musical Based on the Life of Totie Fields Conceived by Nancy Timpanaro-Hogan Book by Bobby Pearce & Nancy Timpanaro-Hogan Are You Happy? Flat Tire, One Headlight Out Someone To Notice Weaver High School He Likes...Me! Holding On The Taste Look, But Don't Touch Me, Myself And Cane Don't Remind Me I'm Not Ready With Friends Like Mine On Top Of The World/Years Big Papa Is A Nice Man One Day At A Time Heat Up The Pot Workshopped at Long Beach Civic Light Opera (1991) Produced by American Jewish Theatre, Inc., Stanley Brechner, Artistic Director (1993) Four-month run at The Ballroom, New York (1994) Four-month run at Tropworld, Atlantic City (1996) Also played in regional theaters and performing arts centers across the country, including Seven Angels Theatre, Northridge Performing Arts Center, Bailey Concert Hall
http://www.alleewillis.com/index.html
Sophie, Totie and Belle : Sophie, Totie & Belle is a play based on a fictional meeting of the late entertainers Sophie Tucker, Totie Fields and Belle Barth. It was written by Joanne Koch and Sarah Blacher Cohen, with original music by Mark Elliott and songs associated with these entertainers. It opened in New York City at the off-Broadway Theater Four on March 15, 2000 after sold-out runs in Queens, NY Theatre in the Park, Boca Raton, Florida, Miami, Philadelphia, New Hope, Albany, and the Forum Theater in New Jersey, the Drama Center in Deerfield Beach, the Wilton Theater in Ft. Lauderdale, Theatre Works in Sarasota.Another review.
A list from “I Think I’ll Start on Monday”
Five Practical Reasons For Not Going On A Diet 1. It’s very impolite to leave food on your plate. 2. America is supposed to be the best fed nation in the world. Why make us look bad? 3. Fish, meat and vegetables maybe chemically polluted. The U.S. Government has NEVER found mercury in a chocolate layer cake. 4. Food is synonymous with love. If you diet, you are depriving yourself of much needed affection. 5. Sara Lee, Laura Scudder, Betty Crocker and Mr. Hershey are sincere, hard working Americans. Check your conscience. Do you really want to take a living away from these people?
From Fol-der-ol
Ask Me for MP3 files of the Totie Fields Live album.
Before beginning first run episodes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, season 2, Bravo graciously re-aired season 1 so those of us who skipped it last year could catch up. Of course, I accidently erased episode 6 in which Kim finds herself in the studio with Dallas Austin. So I paid $1.99 to Amazon so I could see this moment in television (and music) history. It was everything I could have hoped for so I whipped out my camera and ... Voila!
It would be hard to imagine that this woman with her special picture of Obama is not now sitting at home humiliated by this soon to be viral video. Excuse me, I didn't mean woman; I meant dining room table.
A less shocking thing about this episode is that I remained objective and did not write that he was an overweight Cau-cau-cau-caucasion man that shared his environment with his seemingly Eastern European wife and a ten year old girl.
A more shocking thing about this episode is that I always thought I was straight acting - you know, no one could tell unless I told them. Go know.
I have lived on the east end of a small one lane street in San Jose, CA for ten years. There is a house on the west end of the street in which a man, a woman and a child live with a dog. I've seen the man outside maybe 20 times in ten years and he nor I have ever attempted a meet and greet although I am friendly with his next-door neighbor (as he seems to be), a neighbor across the street and more households as you might walk closer to the east end of the street. Now I know why.
I took Max out for a walk (as I have done twice a day since I bought the house) and walked by this man's home. Max peed on his lawn. I continued walking and was at the corner (almost three houses away) waiting for Max to pee again when I heard someone yelling.
"You forgot something here."
I didn't know if the sentence was meant for me so I turned to see what was happening. The man in this house had (seemingly as I had not actually witnessed this) passed me driving home, and stopped his car in the middle of the street in front of his house after he saw me walk away with Max. When I turned he was getting out of the car and walking to his lawn.
"Huh?" I replied.
He crouched a little and looked around the lawn.
"I said you forgot..."
He seemingly realized that there was nothing there.
"Never mind."
When I realized what had just happened I yelled back (as I was almost three houses away).
"I am your neighbor why would you think I would not pick up after my dog on your lawn?"
I wanted to continue imploringly but all I could do was pull a bag out of my pocket. "I have bags."
"You know, fuck you." said the man.
"What?"
"I said I'm sorry but fuck you for getting excited."
"That's nice language to be yelling on this street."
"Faggot."
"Asshole."
I turned and walked.
I'd like to file this episode away with a quote from Anne Frank. Unfortunately, with the negative discourse that only grows deeper with each passing day, the intolerance of people towards people, the fear-mongering of those seemingly in charge, and the animosity of difference I'm not sure I still believe it.
I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.
Yes. For exercise, I am dancing in my room. Put on 25-30 minutes of my favorite dance tunes and I'm on my way - incorporating fluid yoga poses, dolphin-like undulations, and full body muscle stretches into the same dance moves I busted 25 years ago in da clubs, baby.
Granted, now my mind focuses on keeping the core muscles tight and the posture straight while busting a move rather than the blonde at the end of the bar. On the plus side, I find that this focus is lurking into matters it previously eschewed - like standing in line at the bank or walking Max. Stomach in. Shoulders back. What can I say? Dancing in my room work's up a sweat and works out the heart. Like it did in da clubs, baby. (OK, that won't work a third time.)
Some people bicycle for exercise.
Another plus is that I get to choose my own music. Set it up first - all the CDs in a row. Today I start slow with Flashdance (Got a Feeling), the extended remix, to Unbelievable EMF, the dance remix. Swap the disc out to get Ram Jam Black Betty b/w Grace Jones's Pull Up to the Bumper. Past the point of no sweat I throw on Rosebud's pumping Have A Cigar - yes, the Pink Floyd tune - and follow it with the O'Jay's Love Train. Bring it to new heights with the Pointer Sisters Jump (For My Love), the extended version, and cap off the evening with the Captain and Tennille's Do That To Me One More Time, the latter strangely invoking a Kate Bush-esque ballet stretch and a nice cool down. Good times.
Dancing with myself
A few weeks after I started having this fun, I received a renewal in the mail for a membership to 24 Hour Fitness, a gym I had joined in Denver and used twice. They were asking me to pay $49 for one more year. Fuck yea! Can't not go to a gym cheaper than that. I joined and clicked through to the 24 Hour Fitness San Jose class schedule. I noticed a trademarked class. Zumba®. I had never heard of Zumba® so I looked it up. On Wikipedia of course.
A Zumba workout mixes body sculpting movements with dance steps derived from cumbia, merengue, salsa, reggaeton, hip hop, mambo, rumba, flamenco, and calypso and Salsaton. The routines feature aerobic interval training with a combination of fast and slow rhythms. It targets areas such as the glutes, legs, arms, abdominals, and the heart. A Zumba class is typically not formulaic in that instructors often add on their own music choices and choreographies to make their class presentation locally unique.
They're dancing in a room and they're calling it Zumba®.
I was watching an episode of Unsung on TV One when I was finally able to identify a song I hadn't heard in decades. Until now, I was never able to figure out who was singing this Kate Bush-esque song. The episode of Unsung was about Minnie Riperton and the song, Les Fleurs, was the first cut on her first solo album Come to My Garden, released in 1970. Minnie is now most well-known for her 1975 hit Loving You and her daughter, Maya Rudolph. She died in 1979 at the age of 31.
Check out this trippy, flower-ful video of this incredible tune - sung from the point of view of un fleur.
Will somebody wear me to the fair? Will a lady pin me in her hair? Will a child find me by a stream? Kiss my petals and weave me through a dream.
For all of these simple things and much more a flower was born It blooms to spread love and joy faith and hope to people forlorn
Inside every man lives the seed of a flower If he looks within he finds beauty and power
Ring all the bells sing and tell the people that be everywhere that the flower has come Light up the sky with your prayers of gladness and rejoice for the darkness is gone Throw off your fears let your heart beat freely at the sign that a new time is born
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